Friday, October 31, 2008

McCain prepares for SNL

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Lorne Michaels: No, no, no. Goddammit. Try it again.
John McCain: Live! From New York! My friends, it's Sa...
Lorne Michaels: No, no, no. Goddammit!

Let's blow that sucker

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"Obama links health issues to farming, then backs off."
"Why?"
"Because it's gonna blow!"
"You mean, like it's gonna explode?"
"No, because it's gonna suck!"
"Suck means blow?"
"You're not from around here, are you?"
"Not anymore. Let's blow this place."
"What does that mean?"

Thursday, October 30, 2008

What have you done for Aunt Zootie today?

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"You see, dear, wealth is like manure; to do any good you have to spread it around."
"Well, mom, why doesn't daddy spread some wealth around to aunt Zootie?"
"That's aunt Zeituni, dear."
"Zucchini?"
"Whatever. Look honey, when Daddy talks about spreading wealth, he's talking about OPM."
"Opium?"
"No, dear, other people's money. Not ours. What you're thinking of is opium, the drug we get from poppies."
"Is that the same opium that religion is for the masses?"
"Where do you hear such nonsense? Daddy is the religion of the masses."
"Oh, and we get that from poppy?"
"Yes, but you can call him daddy."
"I'm very confused. I think I'll ascend to my room."
"You've been spending too much time with your father."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Campaign's Gift to Xmas

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Little Plumber Boy
The Hairy Simian Corral

The tank float nodded,
The overflow kept time,
Water sloshed 'round the bowl,
Splashed up and down the bowl....
Then it overflowed, pah rump pump pump pum,
On me and my bum. All over the rug. Pah rump pump pum ugh.

If Obama does Chicago

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Potheads dreaming,
Crankheads screaming,
Corruptocrats scheming,
Rioters teeming,
SWAT guns gleaming,
Hillary steaming,
Obama beaming,
Matthews creaming.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Good noose, bad noose

Noosed black mannequin = hate crime
Noosed white mannequin = hey, it's only a mannequin

It would have been subtler, but much cooler, to have the mannequin wear a red ribbon around its neck. That's what French women did at the Bals des victimes in commemoration of the Reign of Terror's guillotined, mimicking where the blade met the neck.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

What you should be talking about

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At this stage, the Potemkin village being bulldozed should be that of partisan media. Obama has sold his bill of goods to the country; that's his job. The utter failure of objective journalism should be the bĂȘte noire of this election, discussed ad nauseum and vowed 'never again.'

Friday, October 24, 2008

To protect and swive

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Man Alleges Cops Sodomized Him With a Walkie-Talkie

"Aaaarrghhhhhh!"
"Suffer, you bast...shut up. Shut. Up."
"What is it, sergeant?"
"It's the Commander. On the walkie-talkie."
"What's he saying?"
"I can't tell. You put your ear down there."
"It sounds like, "Ground control to Major Tom.""
"That's not the Commander, you idiot. It's a commercial!"
"Please, officers, can I g...."
"I told you to shut up!"
"Okay, now listen, goofball. We're going to let you go.
But you gotta tell anyone that asks that a tall black man
jumped you, shoved this walkie-talkie up your ass, and
carved a 'B' onto your face."
"Why would anyone do that to me?"
"Because you said vote McCain/Palin."
"Oh, okay. I'd deserve that, for sure."
"Right. We're oughtta here."
"So long, officers."
["Ground control to..."]

Fascinating Footage

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Lost film footage of Edwardian London discovered

The film was shot in 1904 as a 'travelogue' for Australians curious about life in what was "one of the most exciting cities anywhere", according to Professor Ian Christie. From the article...

The footage, shot of 35mm film, also shows subtle insights into life such as the way people walked, he added.

Do we walk differently now? Where I can see people walking in the film, the guys do seem to have a heel-less gait that conjures up the walking style of Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. Could it be that those comedic walks were not comedic at all, but the trailing end of a vanishing fashion?

How to talk to beautiful women

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Jean Harlow would disguise herself to go out at night and pick up men. Guys were too terrified of certain rejection to approach her in normal life. She ended up married to creeps, one of whom beat her enough to cause kidney damage. Her mother, a Christian Scientist, wouldn't let doctors treat Jean until it was too late to save her.

Remember that next time you walk up to a beautiful woman, and she tells you to get the hell away from her, the poor thing.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fast High at New York Times

Police investigate white powder at New York Times
"Stand back everybody, give us some room. Okay now, Detective,
what does that look like?"
"White powder, Captain."
"Verrrry good. Now what does it smell like?"
"I can't smell anything, Captain."
"Take a good sniff."
[Snnniifffff]
"Not good enough, Detective. Sniff hard!"
[sssSSSNORT!!!]
"Oh, wow, Captain, This i..."
"Sssssshhhush. Give me a sniff."
"Captain, this is coke. You can't snort it. It's illegal."
"Alright, then, Detective. Take my firearm and force me to do it."
"But Captain, I..."
"Then, I'll force YOU to take another snort."
"Uh...Sergeant?"
"Yes, Detective?"
"Get these people out of here. And put on some music."

Dan Rather says something inane...

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...although like any other hornswoggling chaw-swallower, something will come up ever' now and then that looks like you can ride it, but it absquatulates afore you can get stirrup-footed.(_8(|)

The Chinese Tire Valve Blues

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The government is investigating more than 1 million Ford Motor Co. vehicles after receiving reports of tires leaking from faulty valve stems made by a Chinese company.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"Wal, I think I got me some Chinese tire valves."
"What makes you think that?"
"Wal, I had me four flats in perfect unison...."
"And?"
"...I'm gittin' to it. When I put 'em in the trunk..."
"Yes?"
"...they tried to annex the spare!"

Monday, October 20, 2008

The socialist in Romney's parlor

Asked if he believes Obama is a socialist, Romney replied, "I'd say he's a real liberal. He's not in the mainstream of the Democratic Party. I think he's more liberal than that. I don't think mainstream Democrats like Hillary Clinton, would be excited about the proposals he's made. And I think his comment about redistributing income is one which would certainly scare a lot of people. Certainly scare away a lot of jobs, hurt the creation of small businesses, which is of course, been the source of job growth in our country.

"So, I think he's off of the left wing of the party. And after all, that's how his votes have also lined up."

Poor Mitt.  He cain't help it.  People in Massachusetts recognize socialism like a fish does water, ie, only in its absence.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Crazy Old Lloyd

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Justice officials told a local news station that it appeared as though an explosive device was thrown through the law firm's window. The suspect [71-year old lawyer Lloyd Cantrell]'s body was still in the building Friday afternoon, police said.
Crazy old Lloyd. You know, in law school, Lloyd was voted Most Likely to Throw a Bomb Through a Window and Then Run Inside the Room.

If you have to ask...

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"How much to buy the Governor's e-mails?"
"I'm not sure. Alaska."
"Argh. Enough with the puns."
"No, I mean they''ll cost the worth of the
state of Alaska. Do you still want 'em?"
"Nome."

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I bloody well knew it

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When I saw McCain pull a gag face trying to figure out which way around the table to shake Schieffer's hand, I thought, "Uh oh." And sure enough....



I tried to find a cartoon of Calvin stalking Hobbes, but couldn't.

Trillion is the new billion

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Trillion has become the new billion. People don't stop to realize what a brogdingnagian number it is. It's one million millions. Yet we're tossing the figure around like New Year's revellers of 1929. It's unnerving.

Joe the Plumber: Your 15 mins of fame are ready

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Word has it the next cover of US Magazine will headline --- ---

Plumber's Crack :
Going-away cleavage?

Hair plugs vs Drain plugs

Is Obama too dreamy?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Billy Beck on 'Free Speech'

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From Billy Beck, my friend I am proud to say, at Two-Four.

two--four

"Free speech". Look around you: that hasn't stopped a steady march of imbeciles for generations since, say, FDR. I see a lot of people holding "free speech" as a political standard against which to judge the advance of tyranny, as if being allowed to point out to imbeciles every other sort of violation of freedom that they actively sanction makes it all worth bearing.

You are hollering from the prison-cell, and calling it freedom. The herd at the cannibal-pot will give you their reply next month.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Why, why, why Obama?

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When I lived in Canada, we had friends who had left communist Hungary to live in the West. They were doing well, but had friends who had voluntarily gone back to Hungary. The idea that there was a chance they could be out of work or struggling scared them so much, they preferred Hungary's much lower living standard in exchange for the security promised by the communist state.

If people raised to think they can't do anything for themselves opt to surrender freedom for a welfare state, should it be a surprise? The self-esteem, no-winners-allowed crap we teach in public schools, affirmative action, and the drumbeat of economic failure we hear from the left has to have an affect. Kids, particularly raised in families of liberals, could easily be terrified at the prospect of competing in a free enterprise environment. So they stay in college as long as they can, soaking up marxism.

Should we be surprised at Obama's success?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

So, who got my money?

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I bought a share at $5.
It rose in value to $7.
It crashed to $4, I panicked and sold it.

Did I lose $3? I think I only lost $1 and
the person who got that was the guy
who sold me the share for $5.

So what about the other $2? It only
existed as a potential had I sold when
the share traded at $7. Until you sell,
then, portfolio worth isn't money and
doesn't 'go' anywhere except away.

Feeling poorer as I now do, is actually
a 'correction' to not feeling so poor
a month ago.  Heh.   Sob.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Peggy on Palin

Peggy Noonan opines:
A question is at what point shiny, happy populism becomes cheerful manipulation.
When it's the other guy doing it.

Noonan's subliminal recasting of Palin into 76 Trombones or Elmer Gantry glows from beneath her bed covers. Turn off that flashlight, Peggy, and get to sleep.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Governor Scores a Kill


By golly, I thought Palin did just a fine job there, and she spoke without any trace of an accent, which surprised me. Doggone it, she drew a bead on Biden just like this and then, "Pow," she goes. "Hand me that bowie knife, Piper, it's skinnin' time."