"I don't feel so good, mom. Can I stay home from school today?"
"No. The church guarantees your health care, so go see Father Grabby."
[Later that day]
"Father Grabby, I feel depressed and have bad dreams."
"You're obviously under spiritual attack. Say ten Hail Marys."
"Can I put my clothes back on now?"
"Johnson, this is the night desk editor. I want you to get over to the Neighbour's Club right now. There's a fire!"
"I'm on my way. How do you want to play it?"
"Some redneck homophobe pulled off a hate crime."
"It was a homophobe, chief, but I doubt a redneck."
"Word is a Muslim did it."
"Oh, well that's not homophobia; that's religion."
"We go after religion all the time."
"Not this one. Change the headline from Hate Crime Holocaust to Wienie Roast."
"Got it, chief. And happy new year!"
"Happy new year, son."