Wednesday, February 5, 2014

UN committee said Vatican should ensure children's health care

"I don't feel so good, mom. Can I stay home from school today?"
"No. The church guarantees your health care, so go see Father Grabby."
[Later that day]
"Father Grabby, I feel depressed and have bad dreams."
"You're obviously under spiritual attack. Say ten Hail Marys."
"Can I put my clothes back on now?"

Monday, February 3, 2014

Suspect arrested in arson at Seattle Nightclub


"Johnson, this is the night desk editor. I want you to get over to the Neighbour's Club right now. There's a fire!"
"I'm on my way. How do you want to play it?"
"Some redneck homophobe pulled off a hate crime."
"It was a homophobe, chief, but I doubt a redneck."
"Word is a Muslim did it."
"Oh, well that's not homophobia; that's religion."
"We go after religion all the time."
"Not this one. Change the headline from Hate Crime Holocaust to Wienie Roast."
"Got it, chief. And happy new year!"
"Happy new year, son."

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Let Israel handle Iran

Clinton would have thrown a cruise missile at it;
Obama would send in the drones;
Bush would invade the wrong country;
War's messy; appease and stay home.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Rockin' around Obamacare

Rockin' around Obamacare,
no Christmas tree on the floor.
No wrapped-up presents for you and me,
can't afford those any more.

Our money's gone to premiums
for blind Bob's aids to vision
and toothless grandpa's dental checks
plus Sarah's circumcision.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


TWEET ME: Sunday at Toronto's CN tower, you in green blouse, brown slacks. Me in crotchless spandex leotards. I'm here naked for you.

TWEET ME: I was videographing SUV sinking. You were screaming for help getting your seatbelt off. Did I leave my press pass?

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Foley Square Laundromat. I took your dryer load by mistake. Need the pumps that go with beige pantsuit.

TWEET ME: The Voice. I didn't turn my chair around for you. Your relatives chained themselves to my fence. We can run off to Vegas now.

TWEET ME: Diana from Shawboro. Loved you all my adult life. It's still only you. Now's our time. If a woman answers, hang up.

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Online at a gang bang in Peoria. I didn't know she was your sister. Please give me back my stuff.

TWEET ME: Tascosa Drive-In Theater. You were in the white Thunderbird. I was in the Nissan pickup. I WAS PUMPING UP A VOLLEY BALL

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Twitter 101

Gypsies, eh?

"Those poor, beleaguered people," said Clifford, as the light rain washed away his newly-paved driveway and the "paint" off his house. He turned and entered his home, concerned that his daughter had not yet returned from her "date."