Burning Desire (reprise)

Burning Desire By Gary Cruse

It was hot in the Oval. Summertime DC.

You know, like when the crawdads clumb onto the mangrove roots just to keep from being gumboed alive. Or was that mandrake? No, that was Lasater's deal.

I was thinking about Gore and wishing he would give me a key to the thermostat covers when she walked in.

"Mr. President, do you remember me? Mrs. Edward Willey?"

Remember her? Legs going up like a Roman candle; a rack to shame the 24-pointer I wasted at Camp David, even if the SS had to tether it first. Yeah, I remembered the dame, like Bennett remembers San Francisco, Sacco remembers Vanzetti, like Hillary remembers...every gall-danged thing. Like how nervous Vince wa...

"Mr. President?"

"Huh? Yes. Yes, Mrs. Willey. Sit down. Sit down."

Her dress was sultry and clingy, like a hot intern. Her knees stayed tight until she was seated. Then she crossed her legs in one practiced motion, her hose making a slithery sound.

Out of all the broke down, multi-colored rug, sweaty hot Oval Offices in the world, she had to pick mine.

I thumbed the intercom and told Betty to hold all calls. Then I asked Willey why she came.

"My husband has embezzled a lot of money that we have to pay back, Mr. President. And I need something more than the volunteer job I have. I mean, Easter Egg rolls...."

I wanted to feel her pain, but she was across the desk. How could I get into her...pantry. That was it. The pantry.

"Mrs. Willey, would you like a cup of coffee?"

She couldn't turn it down. I stood and gestured toward the galley just off the Oval and motioned for her to go in ahead of me. It was like little animals when she walked.

I asked her how many lumps she wanted, but I was thinking about how many lumps I was getting...one in the throat and one down at the Y.

As much as I hate carpet burns, I suggested that we adjourn into the study. Groans I make in the galley ricochet like singing in the shower, and I felt an aria coming on.

The difference between the flourescent lights in the galley and the warm tungsten lamps in the study was startling. Her hair went from copper to a warm auburn and I went for a hug.

As I held her tense frame up close, her warmth began to spread to me, rapidly getting hotter and wetter. I backed up and took her squashed coffee cup from between us and sat it on the end table.

"Mr. President, aren't you afraid someone will walk in here?"

"No, no," I told her how sorry I was for her troubles and pulled her against me again, my lips finding hers before she turned her head sharply, leaving my tongue to dart into her earring.

That was when I realized I was being set up. Women could not resist me. Brother Graham told me so himself.I slid a finger into her breast pocket looking for an West Wing pass in case Hillary had sent her.

There was none.

I would have to threaten her to buy her silence.

I took her hand and made sure she felt the hard barrel of my thigh-holstered snub nose. It's a repeater.

"It's not that I'm glad to see you. It's just something I've wanted to do for a long time," I hissed.

That did it. She paled and backed away, "I have to be going. It would kill my husband if I did this."

More than you ever knew, Sister. More than you ever knew.

Degrees of Freedom

Degrees of Freedom By Gary Cruse

Why doesn't CBS begin to explore the WH's treason, sedition and bribery? Because it is hard to make it interesting? Maybe with a quiz show....

Episode 9822 Mar 18, 1998

[Announce] IT'S DEGREES OF FREEDOM

[Intro music]

[Announce] And here's the Host of DEGREES OF FREEDOM,

KEVIN BACON ! [Applause]

[KB] Thank you, Bob. Welcome to DEGREES OF FREEDOM, where we pay you to tell us, "How many degrees removed am I from this having anything to do with me?"

Let's welcome our guest panelists: Cynthia Pitcairn, from Palo Viral, Arizona; Garth Wunsch, from Malcorpus, Vermont; Eileen Tordja, from Slope, Missouri; and Ezra Acklemeyer, of Oral, Pennsylvania.

[Applause]

[KB] Welcome, panel. Now, for those at home, here's Bob to tell you how we play DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Bob?

[Bob] Thank you, Kevin. Contestants for DOF are given faits accompli by the Clinton administration and asked to provide linkage as to why they should give a damn. The winner goes on to the 'Rubber Meets the Road' round where real consequences take place.

[KB] Thank you, Bob. Now let's get started, shall we? Contestant #1, are you ready to play DEGREES OF FREEDOM?

[CP] Yes, I am, Kevin.

[Applause]

[KB] Alright, Cynthia. The administration gutted the Defense Department's review capacity and sold supercomputers to Communist China. How many degrees before it affects you?

[CP] It didn't do me no good. I ain't living in Silicon Valley. What the hell do I care?

[KB] Wrong, Cynthia. Over to you, Garth. Guided missiles, such as the as-yet-indefensible Mach-3 Russian Yakhont antiship missile are about to be delivered to the PRC. And those supercomputers will allow the Chinese to reverse-engineer and mass produce these ramjet, land-air-or-sea launchable missiles. This will upset the balance of power around Taiwan and Asia in general. Not to mention the loss of American naval supremacy in the Persian Gulf if Iran or Iraq gets this product. How about it Garth? How many degrees to you?

[GW] None of these miss-aisles can reach Vermaaht, Kaavin. Besaades, withaat global positioning technaalogy, even China's baallistic miss-aisles can't hit Malcorpus. Maybe LA. But I don't live in Laas Aangeles. What the haall do I care?

[KB] The best answer so far, Garth. Now, Eileen, the Clinton administration has allowed the export to China of Global Positioning System technology for missile guidance, satellites and satellite technology. How many degrees to you?

[ET] None, Kevin. Like, just so long as these weapons are, you know, kept out of the hands of those loonies in Iraq and Iran. I'm all, "Hellooo??? Are you talking to me?" I mean, a country that helped get Bill Clinton elected, is like righteous, like, you know? [KB] Not bad, Eileen. It's up to you, Ezra. Are are you ready?

[EZ] Yes, I am, Kevin.

[KB] Alright, Ezra! According to publisher Alyn Denham, DNC fund-raiser John Huang worked with Entergy Corporation of North Carolina to buy sophisticated computers, software electronics and telecommunication technology to be used in China's missile guidance systems. Huang funneled $3.4 million in tainted Asian contributions to the DNC during the 1996 election, and Clinton hired the head of Entergy Corporation, Erskine Bowles, to be White House Chief of Staff. How many DEGREES OF FREEDOM before this affects you, Ezra?

[EA] Two degrees, Kevin. I happen to know something about this. Intelligence aides warned the President in '95, and '96, that highly sensitive equipment was being shipped to the PRC from Entergy. Clinton reportedly told the aides that the Pentagon assured him that only obsolete equipment and software were being shipped.

[KB] That's right, Ezra. Although the aides could not find anyone in the Pentagon to verify Clinton's account of the conversation, your answer puts you in the lead going into Round Two. [Applause]

[KB] Alright, panel, Round Two. I would like an answer from each of you on this one, please.

Johnny Chung has alleged that a member of Hillary Clinton's staff solicited him for money and he responded the next day by delivering a $50,000 Democratic donation to the first lady's chief of staff. A few days later, Chung was allowed to bring Chinese businessmen into the White House to watch the president's radio address. How many degrees? Cynthia, let's start with you.

[CP] How can you watch a radio show?

[GW] Two. Aaverybady does it.

[ET] Can we, like, talk about Monica, now?

[EA] Three. Hillary wasn't elected.

[KB] Alright, panel. Well done. We'll total up your scores and see who goes to 'Rubber Meets the Road' after this word from our sponsors.

[Applause]

[Entergy Corp: "Chungy Bowles O' Soup" 30 secs] [COSCO: "The Wong March" 30 secs] [DNC: "Don't Worry, be Happy." 30 secs]

[KB] Welcome back. Our winner today, with five Degrees, is Ezra Acklemeyer.

[Applause]

[ KB] Well done, Ezra. For being our winner, you get the amount of money paid in portage fees to the Chinese government for cargo carried overland between the two Panama Canal anchor points today, due to the Chinese-calculated loss of water in the oceans from El Nino.

[Audience, "Holy shit"]

[EA] Wow.

[KB] Alright, Ezra, the Rubber Meets the Road. Due to the wholesale export of American defense technology to our most likely next enemy, our ability to compensate for hordes of troops with high tech, is gone. Yet US troop strength is only a fraction of what is necessary to handle a major conflict.

As of the start of tonight's program, North Korea has allowed China the use of tunnels under the DMZ to send 1 million cadres in armored columns into Seoul, where they have seized the city. The two major US carrier groups are in the Gulf, trapped by scuttled ships at the entrance and exit, as shore-mounted Sunburns and Yakhonts take out the Aegis cruisers and carriers. Chemical warheads from Iraq have incapacitated our US fighter contingent in Saudi Arabia.

You have fifteen seconds, Ezra. How many DEGREES OF FREEDOM do you have before you are affected? [Ding Dong music]

[Ding Dong]

[KB] Alright, Ezra. You know the situation. How many Degrees before you are affected?

[GW] None, Kevin. This is just so much racist Oriental-bashing. China would never do anything to hurt their MFN status. Besides which, Bill Clinton has shown unparalleled shrewdness in getting what he wants from China, regardless of how much damage it does to the US. [Audience: "Holy shit"]

[KB] Sorry, Ezra, but you win.

[KB] And that's DEGREES OF FREEDOM for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we look at "The Man in Front of the Tienanmen Tank-- Booed by the Beneficiaries of Liberty"

Big Hair (reprise)

To the tune of Marty Robbins'

"Big Iron"

BIG HAIR by Gary Cruse I was in a Cabinet meeting With the FLOTUS by my side, When striding in on camera Miss America stopped and cried,

"You can't flee the past forever With "It's all 'he said, she said,"" And I'll be there as a witness With my Big Hair on my head, Big Hair on my head."

"Big Hair, Big Hair, Whether backseat or in bed, You will pay for every bimbo With the Big Hair on her head."

Before I got my breath back, One stepped up to take her place. She said, " I'm Katie Willey. Don't you recognize my face?"

"All you see in starstruck women Is hot lips and boobs. Instead, Look upon your waking nightmare With my Big Hair on my head. Big Hair on my head."

Big Hair, Big Hair, I wished that I was dead. God, there must have been a hundred With the Big Hair on their head.

That's when they all came trooping in, Interns, Flowers, and Jones. Shelia Lawrence, grey as death, With Larry's mobile bones.

Lewinsky's blown, like Ladybird, All bouffant as she said, "My affidavit's full of air As Big Hair on my head. Big Hair on my head."

Big Hair, Big Hair, The last thing Rodham said, Was "I hope your prison cellmate Will have Big Hair on his head" Big Hair, Big Hair, I'm just fresh meat for the convict With the Big Hair on his head, Big Hair on his head.

TV Summaries (reprise)

TV Summaries [Written in 1995] By Gary Cruse

Week ending April 30, 2001

Sunday 1800 EDT

HDTV: Docudrama

60 Minutes CBS

‘’ Civil Courts in Crisis,’’a special one-hour presentation.

Correspondent Charlie Trie explores the collapse of justice from the near universal, perjured, ‘’anti-statements’’ plaguing noncriminal trials. Special report filed by Diane Sawyer on the sales surge in implanted voice stress analyzers as fallout from Clinton’s Right-to-Lie Referendum of 1999. Andy Rooney compares the screws in his walker.

20/20 ABC

‘’Is Campaign Finance Necessary?’’ Co-Host Dee Dee Myers questions the need to restrict campaign finance given the revenue from sale of South Korea to Beijing’s clients in Pyonyang. IRS head David Brock interviewed on necessity for shutting down opposition press and internet providers until IRS can work through the backlog of audits triggered by reporting in the last election. Hugh Downs compares the screws in Barbra Walter’s head plate. Actually, we like this paragraph because of the way it came out shaped like a set of boobs.

§§§§§

Monday 1800 EDT

Satellite Broadcast Picks SkyTel Your Money

Rupert Murdoch examines the coupons on the bonds bought by the US Treasury from China to finance their purchase of the former Republic of Korea.

IndoBird Our Money

President Suharto defends his family’s conversion of Korea-sale money into ringoots and the subsequent redenomination into Chinese yuan by the Riadys.

MingSat 435 What Money?

Peoples Liberation Army Chairman Tsao Bing Wo hosts US President Al Gore in the newly opened Hall of Sino-DNC Yin-for-Yang.

§§§§§

Tuesday 2000 EDT

Cable: AllTalk Channel

The Sara Ferguson Show

Duchess Fergie’s scheduled guest is Monica Lewinsky Carville, discussing her role of bringing oral sex into contemporary social intercourse. Also scheduled, Susan Estrich Stephanopolous, the author of ‘’Is Fellatio Replacing the Toothbrush?’’

Equal Time PMSNBC

Mary Matalin takes back her maiden name and rejoins the show following a bitter divorce. Topics: My upcoming IRS audit; The New Sex Etiquette---Gumming or Non-Gumming?

The Sci-Fi Channel

‘’The Man Who Wasn’t There’’

A man is given White House clearance, an office, a safe in a restricted room, and 900 raw FBI files to pore over. No one hired him. No one gets the information. Craig Livingstone plays himself.

§§§§§

Wednesday

1900 EDT

HDTV: Situation comedy

My Brother Eddie NBC

Eddie’s first day back in school is a grabbing, groping riot of laughs, until Eddie is caught with an aspirin in his pocket.

Flying the Friendly Skies ABC

Air Force One stewardess, played by Elizabeth Ward Gracen, saves the day. Hijacker threatens to kill pilot until Gracen warns no one else could pilot the plane. When hijacker puts gun to Gracen’s head, pilot tells him that, without her, hijacker would be only one left to give the President his blow jobs. Hijacker surrenders.

Joe Six-Pack

Joe Six-Pack (John Houseman), refuses to testify in his own defense after seeing videotape of himself laughing at funerals, turning his house into a motel, entertaining communist dictators, groping desparate job seekers, photo-opping the Eucharist, and turning his nose into a vacuum; leaves studio and quits series.

§§§§§

Thursday 2100 EDT

Cable Educational The History Channel

Connections

Professor Gauche Port details the obstacles provoking, precipitating, causing the recent unpleasantness:

Eisenhower’s wartime ‘’chauffeur,’’ John Kennedy, Gary Hart, the three-judge panel, Ken Starr, Paula, Gennifer, Kathleen, the Supreme Court, the House of Reps, the media, the Judiciary Committee, Byrd, Barr, the US Senate, Lott, local militias, disgruntled ignorant rightwingers, state National Guard units.

PBS Frontline ‘’Gotta Lotta Lotus’’

Broadcast live from Taipei, the emotional celebration of the reunification of China. Chinese rockets light up the sky, illuminating millions of joyful PRC amphibious and airborne cadre resolutely embracing their long-separated cousins. Riotous throngs of jubilant mainland soldiers are expected to sing and dance the night away in the happy streets of Taiwan. US President Al Gore will be on hand to usher in a new era of DNC solvency.

Take My Nukes, Please (A reprise)

By Gary Cruse

Take my nuke....Please

[Laughter]

....But, I wanna tell ya, it's gettin' really, really, weird out there.

[Audience: How weird is it?]

[Laughter]

.... It is sooooo weird. I mean the Jerusalem Post reports that Iran paid Kazakhistan $25 million for two tactical nuclear warheads. .... Now, we're not talking Bikini Atoll here, folks. Tactical is more like "saving our bullets for the wounded." For twelve and a half million per hit, Netanyahu will *sell* you the real estate!

[Laughter]

.... Then the Iranians brought in some Argentinians to work on the warheads. Argentinians? What is that? Are the gauchos herding neutrons on the pampas, now?

[Laughter]

.... I mean, where's the BEEF?

[Laughter]

.... But the Argentinians can't figure out how to get the warheads open to see what makes them work. Engineer .... Turkan, chairman of the defense industries said the Argentinians were "lazy, greedy, and egotistical." .... Isn't there a word in Iranian for "inexperienced?"

[Laughter]

.... Then Turkan "expressed hope that the group of experts from Russia that arrived in Iran will not cause these problems." Hey, you void the warranty with cheap help, then want Mother to fix? Ayatollah you, but you woona listen.

[Laughter]

.... And, according to Publius, those seals are in fact KGB security locks placed on the warheads to prevent them from being used without authorization [Strategic Investments 1994]. .... The Iranians paid the Khazaks $25 million for two large, heavy, radioactive paperweights.

[Laughter]

.... So the Iranians gave them to the Chinese in return for nuclear and missile technology (which the Chinese got thanks to Bill Clinton). The Chinese want the bombs for the "sole purpose of studying KGB security seals."

.... You say Irani, I say Iraqi. .... Let's call the whole thing off.

[Laughter] [Commercial]

Bill Clinton's J' Aveour a Trois

Brought over from days of old...
Bill Clinton's J' Aveour a Trois
By Gary Cruse

President Bill Clinton started his day in South Africa by going to services at the Regina Mundi Roman Catholic Church, which served as a refuge for members of the popular movement that replaced the country's apartheid system with democracy four years ago.

"I am profoundly honored to be in this great house of God," Clinton said at the church in Soweto, the sprawling slum outside Johannesburg. The congregation of about 1,000 gathered in the church enthusiastically welcomed the President, but began to murmur doubtfully when Clinton was overheard describing a statue of the Virgin Mary, "That's a good looking virgin. I wish I had a virgin like that at the White House." Outspoken members of the congregation insisted that Clinton was unworthy of taking Communion with them, and probably wasn't even a Catholic.

In a hastily arranged meeting with Monsignor Adidas Nkomo, Mrs Clinton pleaded that the President had briefly attended parochial school as a youth. But Monsignor Nkomo ruled that the President, even with a bishopric dispensation, would be required to undertake the sacrament of confession; that Clinton could not receive Communion if he had sinned and had not gone to Confession, admitted his sin, vowed not to sin again, and recited Penance.

In a heated discussion, Mrs Clinton contended that she and "El Schmucko" would not be in Africa long enough for her husband to confess all his sins, even if they "went at it round the clock, for ten days." Finally, a compromise was reached whereby the President would confess his sins as quickly as he could to three priests at once for four hours.

The Church's regular confessional was not large enough for j'avouer a trois, so the group adjourned to a small choir practice room. For confidentiality and privacy, a black silk handkerchief was draped over the face of the President and everyone left the room save Mr Clinton and the three fathers confessor.

About fifteen minutes into the confession, one priest opened the door, came out of the confession room and closed the door softly behind him. Clearly distraught, the Father recounted that the litany of misdeeds was such a travesty, that the corpus on the wall-mounted crucifix in the room had climbed down off the cross and leaped out the window.

Half an hour later, a second priest emerged with tales of a levitating piano and green peasoup-like liquid being projected from behind the silk handkerchief while the penitent's head revolved wildly on his shoulders.

Father Nsoto, the remaining priest, stayed the entire four hours and heard the confession. Escorted from the Church by American Secret Service men, the dumbstruck priest was unable to find his tongue until, as reported by the Secret Service, as they placed him in an official car Nsoto said he felt depressed and suicidal.

Following the service, Clinton spoke briefly from the pulpit, as did the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson. Jackson is special envoy to Africa and a member of Clinton's delegation. While he once had edgy relations with Clinton, Jackson has more recently been an informal spiritual adviser to the Clintons during the Monica Lewinsky controversy. Today, he asked the congregation to "pray for President Clinton, whose boldness and daring" are helping to "bring down ancient walls."

Teensy O'Shrew

Thing is, this is the GREATER white-toothed shrew (black-fanged shrew remains undiscovered; sorry, Soupy)! Imagine how tiny the LESSER must be.