Grandma, Don't Toss That Newspaper

An elderly Manhattan woman living on Social Security was slapped with a $100 ticket -- for throwing away a newspaper in a city trash can.

To the tune of Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The city attorney will bust your old chops
And send you a summons to deal with the cops.

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The tourists will see ya and get the idea
Old women don't cherish their TImes.

Garbage ain't easy to love and it leaks on the floor.
But you know you're a packrat, so horde that rank treasure galore,
moldy damp coffee grounds, transcripts of speeches by Gore.

And each day begins a new pile,
And if you wear nose plugs and don't die too soon of the shame,
the roaches will have a field day.

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The city attorney will bust your old chops
And send you a summons to deal with the cops.

How to tell you are in a gay hotel.

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How to tell you are in a gay hotel.

1. The desk rings for the ball-boy, not the bell-boy.
2. When they ask if you have a reservation --- about bondage.
3. When something like this is on your room wall ---

Another day at the TSA

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"Sir, we've got an emergency here."
"Yes, LeRoy, what is it? Another toddler failing the sobriety test?"
"No, sir. It's worse. McKilligan got caught whacking off at the scanner."
"Was he on break? You know the union rule."
"No, sir. It was on company time."
"Well, just damn. It hate to do this, but you you know how it works,
LeRoy. When we do anything wrong, we gotta punish ..."
"Yes, sir. I'll get on the loudspeaker now. Shut down all flights. No one's going anywhere until we rescan everybody in the airport. Looks like another win for the terrorists."
"Yup, LeRoy. War is hell. Say, do you like pirate movies?"

It's TSA Day

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Ta rah rah boom tee ay
I fooled the TSA,
my colon's C-4 clay,
that's why I walk this way.

If the TSA aren't going to kiss me while I'm being groped, they can at least talk to me.

"Did you pack this thing yourself or did someone else pack it?"
"Has your unit been out of your sight since you left home this morning?"
"Why aren't you circumsized?"
"Do you like pirate movies?"

Mongolian Girls

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Well, the Ukraine girls really knock me out!
I dig their flat Slav cheeks.
And the Georgian chicks with the way they neck
keep their guys blue-balled for weeks.

I've been all 'round the CIS
where I never thought I'd find
a hot kulak with her skin of chalk
blowing Ivan's Russian mind.

I wish they all could be Yugoslavic,
I'd give my yurt for some Upper Baltic,
thank God they're not all hairy Mongolian girls!

Mr Fantasy Man

Hey, Mr Fantasy Man, blow some smoke for me.
I'm not working and my UI checks have run out.
I'm signing up for food stamps while my wife begs on the street
but it's all my fault like Zero's always telling me.

Taken for a fool again, I voted for that fraud,
now my car is up on blocks
and my kids go without socks
and my cable's been cut off.
It's a wonder I've not killed someone.

I'm ready to do anything I'm ready for my fate
To parade through Pauper's Gate, do a mass protest ... but wait.
I'll go one better ... vote his Kenyan ass back home.

California, can you dig it?