Wednesday, February 5, 2014

UN committee said Vatican should ensure children's health care

"I don't feel so good, mom. Can I stay home from school today?"
"No. The church guarantees your health care, so go see Father Grabby."
[Later that day]
"Father Grabby, I feel depressed and have bad dreams."
"You're obviously under spiritual attack. Say ten Hail Marys."
"Can I put my clothes back on now?"

Monday, February 3, 2014

Suspect arrested in arson at Seattle Nightclub


"Johnson, this is the night desk editor. I want you to get over to the Neighbour's Club right now. There's a fire!"
"I'm on my way. How do you want to play it?"
"Some redneck homophobe pulled off a hate crime."
"It was a homophobe, chief, but I doubt a redneck."
"Word is a Muslim did it."
"Oh, well that's not homophobia; that's religion."
"We go after religion all the time."
"Not this one. Change the headline from Hate Crime Holocaust to Wienie Roast."
"Got it, chief. And happy new year!"
"Happy new year, son."

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Let Israel handle Iran

Clinton would have thrown a cruise missile at it;
Obama would send in the drones;
Bush would invade the wrong country;
War's messy; appease and stay home.