Sunday, April 28, 2013

The War on Pressure Cookers


To broaden the war on terrorism's scope,
WMD henceforth stands for What Moms Do.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

North Korea hacks Pentagon

"It say, "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.""
"God damn Army!"

Belief in God Can Improve Mental Health Outcomes


Our Placebo, which art in our imaginations,
vapor be thy ware. Thy palliative come,
thy work be done, in the mental ward as it
is in slow-pay. Give us this day a double-blind
test and forgive us when we fudge the numbers.
For thine is the theory-puncturer, the deflator,
and low-cost alternative forever and ever, amen.

Have some food stamps


We won't check your status --- have some food stamps.
We don't want you hungry in our town.
Come on up we're giving away freedom,
and pay no mind to border patroling clowns.

And I'm proud to be a native of the US,
although it's not the place it used to be.
I mostly keep the porch light turned on for you
while I drown in debt and race diversity.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

When the good guys are gunless

"Hold it! Stop right there and drop your weapon!"
"And if I don't, what then, copper?"
"I'll slap you."
"My god, I think you would!"

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Cathy Buckle, Take a Bow


Zimbabwe calling to the faraway towns,
"Whitey's kicked out and his farmland is ours."
Zimbabwe calling to the underworld,
"Enjoy your bare cupboards and lives, boys and girls."

Monday, April 22, 2013

Tool time

Lizzie Borden, with an axe,
gave her father forty whacks.
Sister, seeing what was done,
saw the rest off, one by one.

Luxury commuting

"And for your dancing pleasure,
the Doppler Brothers and Rose."

Catch 'em when they're young

Someday her tea party won't use cups.

What's all the fuhrer about?

"No, you idiot.  I said an anti-fascist picture."

...and he was a lady go-dive-a

Her name, of course was Muff.

Polly Wolly Doodle?

"Get on my perch."  "Not without a cracker."

Rite of passage

"Little Tilly's a woman now."

Old Tymes

    I'm not Buster Brown;
    I don't live in a shoe.
    But my old pet rooster
    Cock-a-Doodle do.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Since "Master" is associated with slavery...

The American Collegiate Association has announced
that beginning in 2014, the present day accreditation
"Masters Degree" will be known as Bachelor Number Two.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Porn film permits drop in Los Angeles because new law requires condoms


We don't 'low bare-backin' here in LA;
facials ain't too likely in our flicks.
If you're thinkin' it's too big a turnoff,
find some other town to fluff your dicks.

And I'm proud to be a porn star from Fontana,
a place where hooters meet and asses clash.
We keep late night internet pulsatin',
so upstandin' folks can watch and send us cash.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Abuse of Students Doing Anthropological Fieldwork ... 094809.htm
The researchers defined sexual assault as "any kind of inappropriate physical contact, unwanted physical touching, assault, all the way up to rape," Clancy said.
I said, "Don't touch that coed, Ethyl! Hand me the pliers!"
But it was too late. She had already coptiphile.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree


I'm coming home with my degree
and I've got to know if my old room's still free.
Living on my own was such a trip,
I got good at smoking dope and acting hip.
But there's no demand for graduates with black lesbo degrees,
so I'm thinking I can sponge off you in this economy.

Oh, tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree
if I still get room and board rent-free.
Or forget about that and pass the hat to give me some money,
just tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree.

Now the whole damned bus is quiet and I can't believe I see ...
you've sold the place, moved out of state without a word to me.
And an all-caps note, "THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE," on the old oak tree.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Beaver Bites Man To Death


There once was a man from Brest,
who stopped at a buddy's behest
to bother a beaver
with teeth like a cleaver;
the rodent performed its dammedest.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Post office retreats on eliminating Saturday mail


Rolling, blowing, growing,
keep that junk mail flowing,
though it's landfill going, 'S alright!

Through all kinds of hazard,
sleet and snow and blizzard,
the mailman's a modern wizard,
and you'll be getting junk six days a week!
'S alright!

There's a kind of harsh

There's a kind of harsh all over the world tonight,
all over the world you can read the rants of rudeness and scorn.
You know what I mean, just the two of us and nobody else logged in,
there's nobody else and I'm throttling you with emoticons.

So scroll down very carefully, closer now
and you will feel my garotte, in case you forgot.
The only thing that can be seen is when I unload right on your screen:
 You're a derp, forever and ever.
There's a kind of harsh all over the world tonight,
all over the web, that's right, and it's better than porn.

Stay tuned for some rap

Friday, April 5, 2013

A diplomat's dream


"Pack your bags, Jeeves. You being sent to North Korea. Dress warmly."
"Any other advice?"
"Yes, eat your shoes before entering the country. You may not get a second chance."

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Four more ... ?


It's way past time to drop the dime
and send him on his way.
B-a-b o-o-n, O-b-a-m-a.
Baboon Barack, vapor talk,
the empty-suit ... oy vey.
B-a-b o-o-n, O-b-a-m-a.

Weather or not

Anchor: And now with the weather here's Channel 4.5's award winning weather man, Garth Wunsch.

Weatherman: Thank you, Claudia. Looking at the global map, we see a load of red magma following the seasonal Pineapple Express route of storm activity. You folks on the western tip of the Aleutians can expect basket-ball sized brimstone and scattered darkness at noon by Wednesday.

Going into next weekend, the Canadian coast and pacific northwest are advised to take down patio umbrellas and park their cars in shelter as an orange high pressure front of sulfur dioxide and Aleutian hemoglobin is forecast to strip paint that isn't nailed down and make outdoor breathing optional. Better yet, go visit grandma in Maine.

Right after the break, I'll have the long range forecast for British Columbia and Northern California. If you like daisies, egg yolks, and Big Bird, then there's a whole lot of what those have in common comin' your way.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Antarctic ice grows as climate warms


Global Warming Climate Change
Coming to a think tank near you!

You can't beat it, you can't bust it!
Be like us and blindly trust it!

The Theory That Cannot Be Falsified
No matter what happens, it was predicted.
There is no escape! You can't hide!