Thursday, November 21, 2013

Rockin' around Obamacare

Rockin' around Obamacare,
no Christmas tree on the floor.
No wrapped-up presents for you and me,
can't afford those any more.

Our money's gone to premiums
for blind Bob's aids to vision
and toothless grandpa's dental checks
plus Sarah's circumcision.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


TWEET ME: Sunday at Toronto's CN tower, you in green blouse, brown slacks. Me in crotchless spandex leotards. I'm here naked for you.

TWEET ME: I was videographing SUV sinking. You were screaming for help getting your seatbelt off. Did I leave my press pass?

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Foley Square Laundromat. I took your dryer load by mistake. Need the pumps that go with beige pantsuit.

TWEET ME: The Voice. I didn't turn my chair around for you. Your relatives chained themselves to my fence. We can run off to Vegas now.

TWEET ME: Diana from Shawboro. Loved you all my adult life. It's still only you. Now's our time. If a woman answers, hang up.

TWEET ME: Master Bakery, Asbury Park. You got my cream filling, I got your muffin. Let's do something hot, sweet and sticky.

TWEET ME: Online at a gang bang in Peoria. I didn't know she was your sister. Please give me back my stuff.

TWEET ME: Tascosa Drive-In Theater. You were in the white Thunderbird. I was in the Nissan pickup. I WAS PUMPING UP A VOLLEY BALL

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Twitter 101

Gypsies, eh?

"Those poor, beleaguered people," said Clifford, as the light rain washed away his newly-paved driveway and the "paint" off his house. He turned and entered his home, concerned that his daughter had not yet returned from her "date."

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Tweet Me!

TWEET ME: I held bus door open for you, got a "fuck you" look. Go up to Canal St, 2 blocks to Riverfront. Turn left to the river. Jump in.

TWEET ME: You were moving down the escalator at the Midtown Macy's. I was throwing up. Great catch. The Giants need you.

TWEET ME: You had me thrown off the Raleigh Amtrak for flashing you. Met your mom at hobo camp down the line. We're siblings.

TWEET ME: Saw you in the 10/17 Jay Leno audience. Ugliest woman I ever seen. We may be related.

TWEET ME: You wrote my name and number on Port Authority stall walls. You deserve a cut of the profits.

TWEET ME: 38th St subway platform, I flashed you. Will pay to get my cock ring back.

TWEET ME: Cowboys game in the stands, I intercepted your hot dog and instead passed down a joint. Let me help with your bail.

TWEET ME: I whistled at you from my cement truck, you birded me and fell over a fire hydrant. I found your dentures.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Just Another Day at the Airport

"This is a waste of time and you TSA bastards are a bunch of goons!"
"Wha--- whoa! Get up against the wall, ma'am. Finley, get over here!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Handcuff her."
"Want the ball gag, too, sir?"
"Yes. Ball- gag 'er.
"How about the butt plug, sir?"
"Hold on. Ma'am, are you going to give me any more shit?"
"Give 'er the butt plug, Finley."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Consequences of Obamacare

Knock Knock
"Whaddya want?"
"Joe sent me."
"Are you a surgeon?"
"Yes, I do."
"I mean, do you do surgery?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you get referrals from other doctors?"
"What kind?"
"Terminal cases, and slow pay."
"Come on in."

They're both bloodthirsty?

The main difference between Yahweh and Allah seems to be their willingness to delegate.  Allah commands his followers to do the atrocities that Yahweh reserved to himself.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Just some dialogue

"Smile, John, you look like you just swallowed a 2x4."
"Leave me alone, Teresa, and stop stalking me on the job."
"I see you brought your little military bitch along. What are all her ribbons for, John, late night at the Oral Office?"
"Go home, Teresa. This got to stop."
"This isn't the only thing we're gonna stop, John."
"My god. If I wasn't stone-faced from all the botox, I'd give you such a scowl!"
"Too bad it didn't turn something else to stone, John."
"I hate this job."

Monday, July 1, 2013

Courtroom attire

"Are you wearing a thong?"
"A traditional one among my people, yes."
"What does that mean?"
"It's a hula hoop festooned with a hemp rope sling."
"What does 'festooned' mean?"
"I don't know."

Saturday, June 15, 2013

NSA admits listening to U.S. phone calls without warrants


People can't you see, this ain't liberty?
There's a word for this: Can you say statist?
Every call you make, every text you take,
long as you're awake, they'll be watching you.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Some elder berries

Waking up at 3 AM is great. Waking up at all is great!

 Now YOU have that new-car smell.

 You're back to being a kid, where everything is an adventure.

 It all makes sense now.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Why is naturopathy so expensive?

People don't appreciate how much water it takes, and thus the expense, to dilute something to the point that only the trace signal of the no-longer-present molecules remains. Or how many clients a chiropractor must go through before finding one willing to endure sexual assault and keep his/her mouth shut about it. It's a dog-barking-at-nothing world out there.

Saturday, June 8, 2013


Posted for the following sentence ...
Tim Tebow has dwindling NFL support despite unnamed scouts lining up to point out his deficiencies as a passer

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Note from school

Wendell Weedy
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School

Dear Parent(s) of a FECES child,

You are doubtless aware of the school shooting simulation run in the Halfway, OR, school wherein the students were at home.

Well, we don't do things halfway here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School. By the time you are reading this notification, FECES security facilitator Aafia Siddiqui will have completed operation KAOS (Keeping Anarchy Out of School).

At the time of this writing, the operation is deemed over. We regret the loss of the cheerleader squad, whose pom-poms were mistaken for gunsmoke and are looking into FECES rainy day funds to see if compensation is available for parents of class 4B, whose members perished from glass shards and cuts when exiting their Peace Through Eating Glue class through the second floor glass windows.

Be sure there were lessons learned in KAOS and that we're doing all we can to keep violence out of our school.



Quality circle

Registered sex offender?


"Get your hands off me! Help, help!"
"Shhhh. Cool it, baby. You're gonna like this."
"You're just a rapist! Help!"
"It's okay, baby. I'm registered with the state."
"I got papers."
"Well, okay."

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Bottoms Up, Lame Duck
The job of the former community organizer and self-styled uniter is to somehow get this dunderheaded Congress, which is mind-bendingly awful, to do the stuff he wants them to do. It’s called leadership.

He still thinks he’ll do his thing from the balcony and everyone else will follow along below. That’s not how it works.

Elderly schoolgirl Maureen Dowd subtly gigs Obama's self-image as that of the Pope or Mussolini or dare one wish it, Romania's ex-tator Ceaușescu. Whatever it is, watching MoDo excoriate Boom Boom leads me to almost wish an exchange of Miss American Treacle Peggy Noonan for newly vitriolic Dowd. Almost but not quite.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The War on Pressure Cookers


To broaden the war on terrorism's scope,
WMD henceforth stands for What Moms Do.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

North Korea hacks Pentagon

"It say, "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.""
"God damn Army!"

Belief in God Can Improve Mental Health Outcomes


Our Placebo, which art in our imaginations,
vapor be thy ware. Thy palliative come,
thy work be done, in the mental ward as it
is in slow-pay. Give us this day a double-blind
test and forgive us when we fudge the numbers.
For thine is the theory-puncturer, the deflator,
and low-cost alternative forever and ever, amen.

Have some food stamps


We won't check your status --- have some food stamps.
We don't want you hungry in our town.
Come on up we're giving away freedom,
and pay no mind to border patroling clowns.

And I'm proud to be a native of the US,
although it's not the place it used to be.
I mostly keep the porch light turned on for you
while I drown in debt and race diversity.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

When the good guys are gunless

"Hold it! Stop right there and drop your weapon!"
"And if I don't, what then, copper?"
"I'll slap you."
"My god, I think you would!"

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Cathy Buckle, Take a Bow


Zimbabwe calling to the faraway towns,
"Whitey's kicked out and his farmland is ours."
Zimbabwe calling to the underworld,
"Enjoy your bare cupboards and lives, boys and girls."

Monday, April 22, 2013

Tool time

Lizzie Borden, with an axe,
gave her father forty whacks.
Sister, seeing what was done,
saw the rest off, one by one.

Luxury commuting

"And for your dancing pleasure,
the Doppler Brothers and Rose."

Catch 'em when they're young

Someday her tea party won't use cups.

What's all the fuhrer about?

"No, you idiot.  I said an anti-fascist picture."

...and he was a lady go-dive-a

Her name, of course was Muff.

Polly Wolly Doodle?

"Get on my perch."  "Not without a cracker."

Rite of passage

"Little Tilly's a woman now."

Old Tymes

    I'm not Buster Brown;
    I don't live in a shoe.
    But my old pet rooster
    Cock-a-Doodle do.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Since "Master" is associated with slavery...

The American Collegiate Association has announced
that beginning in 2014, the present day accreditation
"Masters Degree" will be known as Bachelor Number Two.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Porn film permits drop in Los Angeles because new law requires condoms


We don't 'low bare-backin' here in LA;
facials ain't too likely in our flicks.
If you're thinkin' it's too big a turnoff,
find some other town to fluff your dicks.

And I'm proud to be a porn star from Fontana,
a place where hooters meet and asses clash.
We keep late night internet pulsatin',
so upstandin' folks can watch and send us cash.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Abuse of Students Doing Anthropological Fieldwork ... 094809.htm
The researchers defined sexual assault as "any kind of inappropriate physical contact, unwanted physical touching, assault, all the way up to rape," Clancy said.
I said, "Don't touch that coed, Ethyl! Hand me the pliers!"
But it was too late. She had already coptiphile.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree


I'm coming home with my degree
and I've got to know if my old room's still free.
Living on my own was such a trip,
I got good at smoking dope and acting hip.
But there's no demand for graduates with black lesbo degrees,
so I'm thinking I can sponge off you in this economy.

Oh, tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree
if I still get room and board rent-free.
Or forget about that and pass the hat to give me some money,
just tie a yellow iPad on the old oak tree.

Now the whole damned bus is quiet and I can't believe I see ...
you've sold the place, moved out of state without a word to me.
And an all-caps note, "THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE," on the old oak tree.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Beaver Bites Man To Death


There once was a man from Brest,
who stopped at a buddy's behest
to bother a beaver
with teeth like a cleaver;
the rodent performed its dammedest.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Post office retreats on eliminating Saturday mail


Rolling, blowing, growing,
keep that junk mail flowing,
though it's landfill going, 'S alright!

Through all kinds of hazard,
sleet and snow and blizzard,
the mailman's a modern wizard,
and you'll be getting junk six days a week!
'S alright!

There's a kind of harsh

There's a kind of harsh all over the world tonight,
all over the world you can read the rants of rudeness and scorn.
You know what I mean, just the two of us and nobody else logged in,
there's nobody else and I'm throttling you with emoticons.

So scroll down very carefully, closer now
and you will feel my garotte, in case you forgot.
The only thing that can be seen is when I unload right on your screen:
 You're a derp, forever and ever.
There's a kind of harsh all over the world tonight,
all over the web, that's right, and it's better than porn.

Stay tuned for some rap

Friday, April 5, 2013

A diplomat's dream


"Pack your bags, Jeeves. You being sent to North Korea. Dress warmly."
"Any other advice?"
"Yes, eat your shoes before entering the country. You may not get a second chance."

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Four more ... ?


It's way past time to drop the dime
and send him on his way.
B-a-b o-o-n, O-b-a-m-a.
Baboon Barack, vapor talk,
the empty-suit ... oy vey.
B-a-b o-o-n, O-b-a-m-a.

Weather or not

Anchor: And now with the weather here's Channel 4.5's award winning weather man, Garth Wunsch.

Weatherman: Thank you, Claudia. Looking at the global map, we see a load of red magma following the seasonal Pineapple Express route of storm activity. You folks on the western tip of the Aleutians can expect basket-ball sized brimstone and scattered darkness at noon by Wednesday.

Going into next weekend, the Canadian coast and pacific northwest are advised to take down patio umbrellas and park their cars in shelter as an orange high pressure front of sulfur dioxide and Aleutian hemoglobin is forecast to strip paint that isn't nailed down and make outdoor breathing optional. Better yet, go visit grandma in Maine.

Right after the break, I'll have the long range forecast for British Columbia and Northern California. If you like daisies, egg yolks, and Big Bird, then there's a whole lot of what those have in common comin' your way.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Antarctic ice grows as climate warms


Global Warming Climate Change
Coming to a think tank near you!

You can't beat it, you can't bust it!
Be like us and blindly trust it!

The Theory That Cannot Be Falsified
No matter what happens, it was predicted.
There is no escape! You can't hide!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Woman who's eaten nearly 13,000 baked potatoes - scared of nearly all other foods

One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
I eat so many farkin' spuds, my skin has eyes, not pores.
But don't you toffs be thinkin' that my charms are just your taste;
when my starch gets stiff, there's no bending at the waist.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Obama causes Israel to make humiliating apology to Turkey’s anti-Israel prime minister

Chicago announces mass closing of elementary schools

Wendell Weedy
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School

Dear Parent(s) of a FECES child,

In view of mass closing of elementary schools for under-utilization, the administration will be handling FECES a little differently for a while. The cafeteria is merging with the theater to become the catheter and speech therapy will move into the library to become therapery.

During bad times the community turns to FECES, and vice versa. The third fiscal leg of FECES's stool is our Lindsay Lohan Brownies program. Although parental subscription to the LLB remains at virtually one hundred percent, program director Moondust Starchild is looking to add capacity for a friends and relatives expansion. Please remind any new members to keep the vacuum sealed brownie packs unopened until in the owner's home. Do not open the packs in the car, as the aroma of the snacks is sticky and one never knows what will alert drug dogs.

FECES is a part of all of us, and the school staff plans to retain FECES as long as possible. Join us. It's your school and there's no such thing as getting into FECES too deeply.

Sincerely yours,

Wendell Weedy

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Group Appointments With Doctors: When Three Isn't A Crowd

"Terminal cases are advised that missing group appointments due to death requires supplying a replacement."

"Slow-pay patients are advised that their group appointments will be announced when the football stadium can be filled."
"Hi. I'm Jim and I have an enlarged prostate."

"Hi, Jim."

Ms Squidlicker writes

From the desk of Desmonia Squidlicker
Dean of Homogenation
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School

Dear Parent(s) of a FECES student,

It is a goal of FECES to produce uniformity among all our students such that not only is No Child Left Behind, but No Child Any Different From the Other. In furtherance of that goal, parents are requested to refrain from praising their children or to create in the child's mind the notion that he/she is prettier/smarter/sweeter or more talented than anyone else.

While this may actually be the case, without having "everyone else" in the child's social set available to make such a comparison (such as the teachers and administrators who know all the children), the parents are not qualified to make esteem modifications. To do so is to risk having the child depart from the desired norm. Speaking just for myself, it's bad enough they aren't all the same height and BMI. Lord knows it's hard enough slowing down the fast ones to the pace of the least capable.

It remains acceptable to tell your children you love them if it is done in a non-exclusive fashion without reference to reasons for your feelings. Just remember -- If God wanted different shaped cookies, he wouldn't have given us cookie cutters.

Sincerely yours,

Desmonia Squidlicker

Monday, March 18, 2013

Kremlin unimpressed by missile move

Rover's Lament

All day I face the Martian waste without the taste of water;
cool, clear water.
At JPL the jerks at work sip Evian: I die for water;
cool water.

The nights are cold and I've been told each star's a pool of water,
cool water.
But with the dawn I'll switch back on and MastCamBate for water,
cool water.

Keep an infra-scan, Curiosity's the plan, you're a robot not a man
and the iron rocks can stand for water
cool clear water.
MRO, can't you see that big green tree where the water's runnin' free
and it's waiting there for ...
Error. Stack overflow.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Americans eat snow, claims North Korea propaganda video.

He'd had a nice filet of crow
washed down with cocoa made of snow
sent here from North Korea.
The DPRK muffin bran
he tries digesting but in vain;
it's lost to diarrhea.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Giving the deity his due


Obama's my baby daddy;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down
and stick my legs in the air:
he admonisheth me to silence,
lo, the walls are thin.

He exploreth my hole:
he leadeth me down the path gardenwise.
Yo, though I walk through the valley
of East St Louis, I will fear no evil;
for thou have assured me,
"What difference does it make?"

Thou preparest a window table
at Popeye's so mine enemies can envy me;
thou drapest my ears with free telephony.
My EBT card runneth over.
Surely Section 8 and welfare shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and you will drop by my condo
until I am 30 and flat-chested.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Everything old is new again

"It's called Google Glass,
Wesley.  Everybody's
doing it."

On pastry guns and soldier cupcakes

Dear Mrs Drisophila,

We are sending your daughter, Cleonausea, home with a written warning. As per the dress code here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School, children are not allowed to wear their hair with bangs, due to the association of bang with guns. Please be advised that in order to avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, pig tails are also banned.

You are asked to come in to the school for a meeting with our Trauma Counselor to discuss ameliorating the damage wearing bangs may have done to Cleonausea. While you're here, you may notice that the American flag flown at FECES has been altered to enhance the values we try to instill in the children. The fifty stars have been replaced with one large smiley, and the red/white striping has been overprinted with the lyrics of "Baby Don't Hurt Me." We want you to be proud of what FECES is doing for our community.

Asst Principal
Warren Weedy

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Obama defends John Kerry

He's A Moron
---- by Barack Obama

See the way he surfs in Spandex.
Look at his old grey turkey neck.
My, his horsey face sure fits
That Poltergeisty gait of his;
He's very French.

Oh, by the way, he served in Vietnam
And swift boated (so goes the scam).
Why was he the only one
To toss his medals when he'd done?
And just because of that, they say:

"He's a moron and he'll never ever be any good
He's a moron 'cause he never ever does what he should"
But just because he doesn't do what anyone with sense oughtta,
That's no reason why I can't put him over Foggy Bottom.
Teresa's always good to me,
Gives me head occasionally,
Cause he's not a moron, no no no
He's not a moron, no no no, to me

But you knew that