Sunday, December 19, 2010

Mobile phone masts linked to mysterious spikes in births

The Cell Tower Blues

Well, I woke up this mornin',
rolled outta bed,
looked at mah honey,
who looked back and said,

"See out the window?
That steel-hard cell mast?
You give me summa dat,
or you've had your last."

I got the cell tower blues.
My woman thinks it's funny
to keep popping crotch fruit
like Energizer bunnies.

We got more kids than sense
and I'm sick to death of balling
but that damned cell phone tower
shows no signs of falling.

I got the cell tower blues,
and don't mind multiplying
but, lord, being fruitful,
is getting stupefying.

Friday, December 17, 2010

TOTUS on the job

...and I would just like to say here
...that it is my pleasure to
[look at Pelosi]
...wish the soon to be ex-speaker
[scratch your ass]
[it's around back]
...the best.

Friday, December 10, 2010

We're almost there


Makes me wonder if it's time for
Bodysnatching Invaders Meet
Ma and Pa Kettle.

Grandma, Don't Toss That Newspaper

An elderly Manhattan woman living on Social Security was slapped with a $100 ticket -- for throwing away a newspaper in a city trash can.

To the tune of Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The city attorney will bust your old chops
And send you a summons to deal with the cops.

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The tourists will see ya and get the idea
Old women don't cherish their TImes.

Garbage ain't easy to love and it leaks on the floor.
But you know you're a packrat, so horde that rank treasure galore,
moldy damp coffee grounds, transcripts of speeches by Gore.

And each day begins a new pile,
And if you wear nose plugs and don't die too soon of the shame,
the roaches will have a field day.

Grandma don't toss your newspaper into that trashcan.
The city attorney will bust your old chops
And send you a summons to deal with the cops.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

How to tell you are in a gay hotel.


How to tell you are in a gay hotel.

1. The desk rings for the ball-boy, not the bell-boy.
2. When they ask if you have a reservation --- about bondage.
3. When something like this is on your room wall ---

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Another day at the TSA

"Sir, we've got an emergency here."
"Yes, LeRoy, what is it? Another toddler failing the sobriety test?"
"No, sir. It's worse. McKilligan got caught whacking off at the scanner."
"Was he on break? You know the union rule."
"No, sir. It was on company time."
"Well, just damn. It hate to do this, but you you know how it works,
LeRoy. When we do anything wrong, we gotta punish ..."
"Yes, sir. I'll get on the loudspeaker now. Shut down all flights. No one's going anywhere until we rescan everybody in the airport. Looks like another win for the terrorists."
"Yup, LeRoy. War is hell. Say, do you like pirate movies?"

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It's TSA Day

Ta rah rah boom tee ay
I fooled the TSA,
my colon's C-4 clay,
that's why I walk this way.

If the TSA aren't going to kiss me while I'm being groped, they can at least talk to me.

"Did you pack this thing yourself or did someone else pack it?"
"Has your unit been out of your sight since you left home this morning?"
"Why aren't you circumsized?"
"Do you like pirate movies?"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Mongolian Girls

Well, the Ukraine girls really knock me out!
I dig their flat Slav cheeks.
And the Georgian chicks with the way they neck
keep their guys blue-balled for weeks.

I've been all 'round the CIS
where I never thought I'd find
a hot kulak with her skin of chalk
blowing Ivan's Russian mind.

I wish they all could be Yugoslavic,
I'd give my yurt for some Upper Baltic,
thank God they're not all hairy Mongolian girls!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mr Fantasy Man

Hey, Mr Fantasy Man, blow some smoke for me.
I'm not working and my UI checks have run out.
I'm signing up for food stamps while my wife begs on the street
but it's all my fault like Zero's always telling me.

Taken for a fool again, I voted for that fraud,
now my car is up on blocks
and my kids go without socks
and my cable's been cut off.
It's a wonder I've not killed someone.

I'm ready to do anything I'm ready for my fate
To parade through Pauper's Gate, do a mass protest ... but wait.
I'll go one better ... vote his Kenyan ass back home.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

34 warships sent from US for Obama visit

Oh, he's the president so it's okay
to take the Pacific fleet on holiday,
to burn two hundred million bucks like that,
from an economy he's busted flat.


He golfs all day, he hates ofays,
he can't speak two words off the cuff.
He's o'er his head, he's Lenin-read.
Can you tell we've had enough?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

On Hitler's Ipod

We'll have set the bar when we make Auschwitz the star
and call out the Juden loud and strong.
For it's Arbeit macht frei when we spritz the Zyklon-B
and those Nazis keep playing our song.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Media blitz for anti-shariah ballot initiative in OK

Oklahoma, where the Lord's fury breezes down the plain,
Where old Elmer Gantry's feelin' right at home
And revival tents keep out the rain.
Oklahoma, Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
Cringe and gawk and watch the hawks
Killing smaller birds up in the sky.

We are Christian, goddammit,
Screw that creep Mohammed!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
Shove your sharia, desert monkeys!
Oklahoma O.K.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Wendell Weedy meets a Missionary

Wendell was washing the struggling remnants of his combover hair, contemplating whether it would be more environmentally sustaining to simply rub a puree of bleached peanut husks into his bald dome and let the resulting paste absorb his dandruff when he heard the Tibetan mud-chime announce thunkingly the presence of unexpected company at his front door.

"Well, this is unexpected," he said redundantly.

The mud-chime impatiently rethunked.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he grunted while stuffing his alabaster, boney bare feet into his favorite pair of Birkenstocks, then sweeping the matches, bong, rolling papers, incense packs, roach clip, and plastic bag of coke-laced Fearless Fresno weed off the coffee table and into a worn hemp backpack he kept by the door.

Wendell squinted in the bright midday light as he swung the front door open. Before him stood two strangers dressed in short sleeve shirts, tieless young men with earnest, slightly nervous expressions and toting Bibles.

"Are you mister Weedy?" asked one of the missionaries each a dead ringer for the other.

"Yes. Who are you?"

"I'm Fred Cowlick and we're from the Mono-polytheistic Church of Three-Gods-in-OneTM."

"Uh, okay," said a reluctant Wendell.

"And we'd like to talk to you about God."

"Why? What's he done now?"

"Uhm, nothing like that," stammered Fred, "Have you accepted Jesus into your life?"

"I gotta tell you, Fred, I'm not keen on taking dead strangers into my life," said Wendell as he began to take the initiative.

"Mister Weedy," lamented the other missionary, "have you ever been to church?"

"Not if I could help it," said Wendell. "But I do go to Take-an-Infidel-to-a-Mosque Days when they come up. Anyone who is anti-Islam is a bigoted reactionary. Don't you agree?"

"Uhmmmm...." said Fred.

"Say," Wendell continued, "you're not one of those crazy haters who says Islamists cut off people's heads, run suicide bombers, or are out to kill us, are you?"

"No," said Fred. "I've never said that."

"When?" asked Wendell.

'When what?"

"When did you never say that?"

"I always never said that!" protested the now-defeated Fred.

"Good. Now get off my porch," said Wendell, closing the door and smiling to himself. Confront and push back. Obama had it dead right.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's not all wee wee wee


"Geico was a cool gig until I ate the gekko. Like, who knew?, you know?
Now, I have to register with the SPCA and can't live within a hundred
yards of a terrarium. Say, are you here with anybody?"

Sunday, September 26, 2010

An all Aryan boy


Gather, frauleins, and I'll tell you a story,
How I became an all Aryan boy.
Got me some Nazis, put 'em in tune,
Sent 'em to Poland to make livin' room.
Got Ivan in on the gig ... Pierre folded ...
Britain didn't dig it at all. Groovy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hitler entertains


"Whew. Oh, my. Did you fart, mein Fuhrer?"
"Fuhrers don't fart."
"Ach! Zen it must haff been me."
"Must haff."

You can call me Rudy

You can call me A.
Or you can call me Rudy.
Or you can call me Rudolph.
Or you can call me Adolph.
But you DOESN'T haff to call me Hitler!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

What you should know about pot

15 Things Your Should Know about Marijuana
Via: Term Life Insurance

No media agendas in the US, no sir.

Unlike in the United States, where the press is perceived as a watchdog, in Italy it is perceived as driven by political agendas.

So perceiveth the agenda-free New York Times.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

God could not be reached for comment

Photobucket A 62-foot Jesus statue was destroyed by lightning Monday night in Ohio. This file photo from November, 2004 shows the six story high statue of Jesus under construction. The Jesus statue was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Digging deep for political correctness

The owner of a Ford truck bearing the license plate 14CV88 will have to find a new message after the DMV on Wednesday canceled its earlier approval of that series of letters and numbers.

A photo of the truck hit the Web a few days ago, went viral on car and other blogs and finally came to the attention of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, an advocacy group for American Muslims. On Wednesday morning, the group complained to the DMV that the plate contained a white supremacist and neo-Nazi statement.

A few hours later, the DMV agreed that the plate contains a coded message: The number 88 stands for the eighth letter of the alphabet, H, doubled to signify "Heil Hitler," said CAIR's Ibrahim Hooper. "CV" stands for "Confederate veteran" -- the plate was a special model embossed with a Confederate flag, which Virginia makes available for a $10 fee to card-carrying members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. And 14 is code for imprisoned white supremacist David Lane's 14-word motto: "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children."

Friday, March 12, 2010

Blasphemous Quotations

On Jan. 1, a new law in Ireland made blasphemy an offense punishable by a fine of up to $35,000. That ludicrous political maneuver was promptly answered by Irish advocacy group Atheist Ireland, which published a list of 25 blasphemous quotes from Frank Zappa, George Carlin and other godless jerks.

We decided to toss in 10 more quotations and lyrics from South Park, Arthur C. Clarke and others — including that dick Gandhi — to stand up for free speech (on the Emerald Isle and elsewhere). But we need your help to rub the blasphemy in even deeper.

Scan our list of barbs that might make Bible-thumpers break the First Commandment, then drop your own in the comments section below. Jehovah, Jehovah!

XTC, lyrics to “Dear God“: Dear God, don’t know if you noticed / But your name is on a lot of quotes in this book / And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look / And all the people that you made in your image still believe that junk is true / Well I know it ain’t, and so do you.

Sci-fi writer Arthur C. Clarke, in a Free Inquiry magazine interview: “It is amazing how childishly gullible humans are. There are, for example, so many different religions — each of them claiming to have the truth, each saying that their truths are clearly superior to the truths of others — how can someone possibly take any of them seriously? I mean, that’s insane.”

Indian leader Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, commenting on religion: “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.”

The Mole, in a scene from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut: “Why? Because God hates me, that’s why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded…. Where is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.”

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, in a Free Inquiry magazine interview: “We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God, who creates faulty humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.”

Death-metal band Vader, lyrics to “Helleluyah! (God Is Dead)“: Smell of burnt bodies / Slaughtered virgin lies dead without the face / Men staring at the skies / Singing lines and eating sand of waste / God is dead! Dead! Helleluyah!

Maria the cleaning woman, in a scene from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life: So now I’m cleaning up in here but I can’t be really sad / ‘Cause you see I feel that life’s a game / You sometimes win or lose / And though I may be down right now at least I don’t work for Jews.

Comedian Bill Hicks: “I’m sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I’m not sorry if you are offended, I’m actually sorry. Just the fact that you’re Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.”

Rationalist Arab philosopher, poet and writer Al-Ma’arri: “Do not suppose the statements of the prophets to be true; they are all fabrications. Men lived comfortably till they came and spoiled life. The sacred books are only such a set of idle tales as any age could have and indeed did actually produce.”

Punk rocker Jello Biafra and NoMeansNo, lyrics to “Jesus Was a Terrorist“: Jesus was a terrorist, enemy of the state / That’s what the Romans labeled him so he was put to death / He died for his beliefs; what’s changed today / Today Bible-thumping cannibals reap money from his name / Buy cable networks and power with old ladies’ checks

Via Underwire

And for your further reading pleasure.....

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” ~Emo Philips


“The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God’s children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.” ~H. L. Mencken


“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.” ~Ambrose Bierce


But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? ~Mark Twain

Christopher Hitchens' Ten Commandments

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Siobhan Magnus -- Think

Siobhan Magnus -- Wicked Games

Irish American Idol hopeful Siobhan Magnus blew the TV critics away last night with her rendition of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game."

"The highlight of the night was undoubtedly Siobhan Magnus' performance of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game."

So says MTV's Kyle Anderson adding that she deserved extra credit for taking on such a difficult tune.

Judge Ellen also liked Siobhan's performance saying it was "good enough to forget this was a singing competition."

Lindsay Parker on had this to say: "Siobhan completely floored me tonight. I was stunned by her huge voice and smoky tone.

"I personally thought "Wicked Game" really displayed her wicked stylistic range. I'm keeping my eye on this girl."

Of course crotchety judge Simon Cowell said it was a bit dark and dismissed Siobhan as "a funny little thing."

Yeah, well, he'll be the one with egg all over his face when she makes it through to the next round.

You go Siobhan!