Saturday, March 23, 2013

Woman who's eaten nearly 13,000 baked potatoes - scared of nearly all other foods

One potato, two potato, three potato, four.
I eat so many farkin' spuds, my skin has eyes, not pores.
But don't you toffs be thinkin' that my charms are just your taste;
when my starch gets stiff, there's no bending at the waist.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Obama causes Israel to make humiliating apology to Turkey’s anti-Israel prime minister

Chicago announces mass closing of elementary schools

Wendell Weedy
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School

Dear Parent(s) of a FECES child,

In view of mass closing of elementary schools for under-utilization, the administration will be handling FECES a little differently for a while. The cafeteria is merging with the theater to become the catheter and speech therapy will move into the library to become therapery.

During bad times the community turns to FECES, and vice versa. The third fiscal leg of FECES's stool is our Lindsay Lohan Brownies program. Although parental subscription to the LLB remains at virtually one hundred percent, program director Moondust Starchild is looking to add capacity for a friends and relatives expansion. Please remind any new members to keep the vacuum sealed brownie packs unopened until in the owner's home. Do not open the packs in the car, as the aroma of the snacks is sticky and one never knows what will alert drug dogs.

FECES is a part of all of us, and the school staff plans to retain FECES as long as possible. Join us. It's your school and there's no such thing as getting into FECES too deeply.

Sincerely yours,

Wendell Weedy

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Group Appointments With Doctors: When Three Isn't A Crowd

"Terminal cases are advised that missing group appointments due to death requires supplying a replacement."

"Slow-pay patients are advised that their group appointments will be announced when the football stadium can be filled."
"Hi. I'm Jim and I have an enlarged prostate."

"Hi, Jim."

Ms Squidlicker writes

From the desk of Desmonia Squidlicker
Dean of Homogenation
Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School

Dear Parent(s) of a FECES student,

It is a goal of FECES to produce uniformity among all our students such that not only is No Child Left Behind, but No Child Any Different From the Other. In furtherance of that goal, parents are requested to refrain from praising their children or to create in the child's mind the notion that he/she is prettier/smarter/sweeter or more talented than anyone else.

While this may actually be the case, without having "everyone else" in the child's social set available to make such a comparison (such as the teachers and administrators who know all the children), the parents are not qualified to make esteem modifications. To do so is to risk having the child depart from the desired norm. Speaking just for myself, it's bad enough they aren't all the same height and BMI. Lord knows it's hard enough slowing down the fast ones to the pace of the least capable.

It remains acceptable to tell your children you love them if it is done in a non-exclusive fashion without reference to reasons for your feelings. Just remember -- If God wanted different shaped cookies, he wouldn't have given us cookie cutters.

Sincerely yours,

Desmonia Squidlicker

Monday, March 18, 2013

Kremlin unimpressed by missile move

Rover's Lament

All day I face the Martian waste without the taste of water;
cool, clear water.
At JPL the jerks at work sip Evian: I die for water;
cool water.

The nights are cold and I've been told each star's a pool of water,
cool water.
But with the dawn I'll switch back on and MastCamBate for water,
cool water.

Keep an infra-scan, Curiosity's the plan, you're a robot not a man
and the iron rocks can stand for water
cool clear water.
MRO, can't you see that big green tree where the water's runnin' free
and it's waiting there for ...
Error. Stack overflow.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Americans eat snow, claims North Korea propaganda video.

He'd had a nice filet of crow
washed down with cocoa made of snow
sent here from North Korea.
The DPRK muffin bran
he tries digesting but in vain;
it's lost to diarrhea.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Giving the deity his due


Obama's my baby daddy;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down
and stick my legs in the air:
he admonisheth me to silence,
lo, the walls are thin.

He exploreth my hole:
he leadeth me down the path gardenwise.
Yo, though I walk through the valley
of East St Louis, I will fear no evil;
for thou have assured me,
"What difference does it make?"

Thou preparest a window table
at Popeye's so mine enemies can envy me;
thou drapest my ears with free telephony.
My EBT card runneth over.
Surely Section 8 and welfare shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and you will drop by my condo
until I am 30 and flat-chested.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Everything old is new again

"It's called Google Glass,
Wesley.  Everybody's
doing it."

On pastry guns and soldier cupcakes

Dear Mrs Drisophila,

We are sending your daughter, Cleonausea, home with a written warning. As per the dress code here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School, children are not allowed to wear their hair with bangs, due to the association of bang with guns. Please be advised that in order to avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, pig tails are also banned.

You are asked to come in to the school for a meeting with our Trauma Counselor to discuss ameliorating the damage wearing bangs may have done to Cleonausea. While you're here, you may notice that the American flag flown at FECES has been altered to enhance the values we try to instill in the children. The fifty stars have been replaced with one large smiley, and the red/white striping has been overprinted with the lyrics of "Baby Don't Hurt Me." We want you to be proud of what FECES is doing for our community.

Asst Principal
Warren Weedy

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Obama defends John Kerry

He's A Moron
---- by Barack Obama

See the way he surfs in Spandex.
Look at his old grey turkey neck.
My, his horsey face sure fits
That Poltergeisty gait of his;
He's very French.

Oh, by the way, he served in Vietnam
And swift boated (so goes the scam).
Why was he the only one
To toss his medals when he'd done?
And just because of that, they say:

"He's a moron and he'll never ever be any good
He's a moron 'cause he never ever does what he should"
But just because he doesn't do what anyone with sense oughtta,
That's no reason why I can't put him over Foggy Bottom.
Teresa's always good to me,
Gives me head occasionally,
Cause he's not a moron, no no no
He's not a moron, no no no, to me

But you knew that

Sunday, March 3, 2013

UNC-Chapel Hill holds surprise inspections of classes to make sure they’re real


"This interview is being recorded for quality control purposes. Is that acceptable to you, Mr Jackson?"
"Why, sure. But you can call me Tyrone."
"I'd rather not. What are your educational qualifiers for a position with the National Labor Relations Board, Mr Jackson?"
"I got a Bachelor of Arts degree from UNC-Chapel HIll in Afro-American Studies."
"Isn't that the program that didn't have classrooms, instructors, or exams?"
"How could you have learned anything?"
"Well, we hung out on the 'hood mostly, studying the brothers."
"Did you learn anything useful?"
"Oh, hell, yeah. Did you know the CIA introduced crack into the black community? Or that AIDS is just another way to keep the brother down?"
"I see. How do you figure any of this would prepare you for a position on the NLRB?"
"Well, ain't labor unions mostly about preserving jobs that don't exist, paying people to do nothin', and makin' sure no one knows anything different?"
"I think you're going to be happy here, Tyrone."