Dear Mrs Drisophila,
We are sending your daughter, Cleonausea, home with a written warning. As per the dress code here at Fort Enduring Courage Elementary School, children are not allowed to wear their hair with bangs, due to the association of bang with guns. Please be advised that in order to avoid offending Muslim sensibilities, pig tails are also banned.
You are asked to come in to the school for a meeting with our Trauma Counselor to discuss ameliorating the damage wearing bangs may have done to Cleonausea. While you're here, you may notice that the American flag flown at FECES has been altered to enhance the values we try to instill in the children. The fifty stars have been replaced with one large smiley, and the red/white striping has been overprinted with the lyrics of "Baby Don't Hurt Me." We want you to be proud of what FECES is doing for our community.