Thursday, September 18, 2008

On the plane with Obama


"Mr Wolffe, we have got to get some face time with Obama. The bloggers are eating our lunch out there."
"I'll tell you what, Sam, let's make a deal. I'll bring the nominee back here and allow you on-the-record exchanges coupled with off-the-record chit-chat. One to one. Will that help?"
"We'll take what we can get, Wolfie."
"Alright then. Barry, could you come back into the press cabin, please?"
"Sure. Hello folks. How's it going?"
"Fine, Mr Obama. The first question is a chit-chat, to get started."
"Okay, shoot."
"What is your take on the Iran situation?"
""Well, guys, Iran plans to nuke Israel, and I gotta tell you, it can't come soon enough for me. I'm sick of kowtowing to American Jews, paying too much for oil, and living with terrorist jihad that stems directly from our support for Israel. I'd nuke 'em myself, if I could."
[Stunned silence]
"Uh, Mr Obama, on the record, what is your take on the Iran situation?"
"Well, we have to take a very nuanced approach to the multifaceted, complex interaction among ancient cultures and hostilities. We must exhaust diplomacy and give multilateralism a chance to work."
"Uhm, Mr Obama, how should we deal with abortions where the abortee is accidentally born?"
"Great question, Sam. As you know, I voted to chop 'em up and toss 'em out."
"And on the record? Did you vote to destroy accidentally born fetuses?"
"Why no. But since my voting records for that period were accidentally classified NATO Secret, you'll have to take my word for it."
"Mr Obama, do you think it was a mistake to skip over Hillary Clinton as your veep nominee?"
"Off the record? Yes. I'd be swept into office with a chapter in the history books before the inaugural address, while McCain would have been saddled with some creepy white guy running mate, doomed."
"On the record?"
"No, picking Biden was not a mistake. The downtrodden, home-losing, marginally-employed, subsistence farmers will not be crucified on a cross of gold."
[Stunned silence]
"Mr Obama, off the record, the plane cabin has been getting drafty, noisy, and cold. Would you ask the pilot to turn up the heat?"
"Sorry to hear that Sam. What I can tell you is during preflight for this trip, they found a structural crack in the tail section and warned there was a chance the entire ass-end of the plane could detach and fall to the ground. Guess it's likelier than I thought."
"Mr Obama, for the record, is this plane coming apart?"
"Let's just say we may be going our separate ways. Those of us with parachutes wish to remind the rest of you that your seat cushion serves only as a flotation device, and is not aerodynamically suitable for acceleration delay. Use only as directed."
[Stunned silence]
[Opening scene from LOST]

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