The Book of Willem (Reprise)

The Book of Willem

While blasting out some dangerous overhangs in Syria's Petrosian pass, workers discovered a cave that contained pottery shards and parchment fragments. The fragments were reassembled and translate as follows. [All caps in original]

...AND IT CAME TO PASS AT EVENTIDE, THAT WILLEM FELT A BESTIRRING IN HIS LOINS AND A RESTLESSNESS CAME OVER HIM. SO AS TO LEAVE UNBROKEN THE PEACEFUL SLUMBER OF HAKKATHOO, HIS WIFE, WITH MUCH CARE AND SLOWNESS OF MOVING HE AROSE FROM OUT OF HIS BED, AND WITH SILENT FEET OF THE SNOWY EGRET DID HE MAKE WAY INTO THE ROOM OF PROVISIONS. THERE DID WILLEM TAKE A LOAVE OF BREAD, SOME CAKES AND A JAR OF HONEY.

THEN WALKED HE UPON THE ROOFTOP OF THE WING OF THE KING'S HOUSE THAT LIES UNDER THE WESTERN STAR, AND FROM THE ROOF HIS GAZE DID FALL UPON A WOMAN PAINTING HERSELF; AND THE WOMAN WAS FAIR TO LOOK UPON.

"O, SELAH, SELAH, " WILLEM YEARNED. THEN DID HE SEEK OUT HIS MANSERVANT AND ENQUIRE TO HIM AFTER THE WOMAN, SAYING, "ALLO, ALLO, IS NOT THIS SPASMONIEA, DAUGHTER OF ONAN THE THEODOLITE?" AND WILLEM SENT MESSENGERS, AND TOOK HER; AND SHE CAME IN TO THE ROOM WITHOUT EDGES WHERE WILLEM HAD COME TO WAIT.

WHEN WILLEM HEARD THE SOUND OF HER FOOTSTEPS AT THE DOOR, HE SAID, "COME IN, SPASMONIEA OF ONAN THE THEODOLITE. I HAVE RAISED YOU UP FROM AMONG THE PEOPLE AND MADE YOU LIKE BIMBOLONIAS, WHO HAVE KEPT MY COMMANDS AND FOLLOWED ME WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS."

AND SPASMONIEA SPAKE UNTO WILLEM, "BECAUSE OF THIS, I WILL EAT UP THE GLORY OF THE KING; JUST AS ONE BURNS DUNG, UNTIL IT IS ALL GONE. DOGS WILL EAT THOSE WHO WOULD LAY APPROBATION LIKE A LOG AGAINST THY THIGHS, AND THE BIRDS IN THE AIR WILL FEED ON THOSE WHO COME IN FROM THE COUNTRY."

THEN SPASMONIEA DID UNTO HIM ACCORDING TO THE MANNER OF THE SUCCUBBITES, GREAT OF HAIR, UNTIL WILLEM LIFTED UP HIS EYES TO THE HILLS AND SANG WITH THE VOICE OF BAASHCA'S CAMEL, FROM THE HOUSE OF BEN-DONE. AND SPASMONIEA RETURNED TO HER HOUSE WHERE SHE SOUGHT LYNNEDA, HER MISTRESS, AND TOLD HER WHAT HAD BEFALLEN HER, SHOWING UNTO LYNNEDA HER ANOINTED CLOTHING WHICH SHE HAD SAVED.

NOW WHEN WILLEM LEARNED THAT LYNNEDA HAD SEEN THE ANOINTED RAIMENT, HE WAS SORE AFRAID, FOR THE WOMEN OF THE PLACE SAID, " ELVIS HATH SKEWERED HIS THOUSANDS AND WILLEM HIS TENS OF THOUSANDS."

AND KINISHTARR THE PROPHET CAME BEFORE WILLEM AND SAID, "DIDST THOU KNOW THAT WOMAN? "

AND WILLEM SWARE AND SAID, " I KNEW HER NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE." AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.

THEN WAXED HAKKATHOO,THE WIFE OF WILLEM, EXCEEDING WROTH AND SPAKE UNTO THE ELDERS IN THIS MANNER, "FOR THEY ARE IN LEAGUE AGAINST MY LORD, YEA, EVEN THE SONS OF LIMBAA AND LIDEE ," AND SHE CURSED KINISHTARR BY HIS GODS. AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.

THEN WILLEM SENT UNTO SEKKDEF, THE CAPTAIN OF THE HOST, AND LAID UPON HIM IN THIS FASHION, "GO THOU AND JOIN BATTLE WITH THE BABYLONIANS, THAT THE EYES OF THE PEOPLE MIGHT TURN AND NOT LOOK UPON THE RAIMENT OF SPASMONIEA." AND SEKKDEF ROSE AND DID IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE COMMAND OF WILLEM HIS LORD.

AND THE WIFE OF WILLEM CALLED UNTO HER TWO MEN, SONS OF KHARVILEIL, AND SAID, "I WILL THAT YOU FETCH ME THE HEAD OF KINISHTARR THE PROPHET UPON A STAFF, FOR HE HATH BLASPHEMED AGAINST GOD AND AGAINST ME, WHICH COMETH TO THE SAME THING."

AND THE TWO MEN WENT AND TOOK KINISHTARR THE PROPHET AND SLEW HIM, AND BROUGHT HIS HEAD TO THE WIFE OF THE KING.

BUT WHEN THEY DREW NIGH UNTO THE KING¹S HOUSE, THE ELDERS SPIED THEM AND SPAKE UNTO THE MEN, SAYING," WHEREFORE IS KINISHTARR DEAD, AND WHEREIN GUILTY, THAT YOU HAVE BEHEADED HIM?"

AND THE MEN ANSWERED AND SAID, "FOR KINISHTARR AND DIKK, SON OF ARAMEE, HAVE CAST STONES AT THE KING, SEEKING HIS LIFE". AND THE ELDERS CAME INTO THE PRESENCE OF WILLEM AND SAID, "LET THY WORDS BE TRUE AND WREAK NO FALSEHOOD AGAINST US, WAST THOU STONED INDEED?"

AND WILLEM RENT HIS GARMENTS AND SWARE, "NOT IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE." AND ALL THE PEOPLE SAID AMEN.