Why doesn't CBS begin to explore the WH's treason, sedition and bribery? Because it is hard to make it interesting? Maybe with a quiz show....
Episode 9822 Mar 18, 1998
[Announce] IT'S DEGREES OF FREEDOM
[Intro music]
[Announce] And here's the Host of DEGREES OF FREEDOM,
KEVIN BACON ! [Applause]
[KB] Thank you, Bob. Welcome to DEGREES OF FREEDOM, where we pay you to tell us, "How many degrees removed am I from this having anything to do with me?"
Let's welcome our guest panelists: Cynthia Pitcairn, from Palo Viral, Arizona; Garth Wunsch, from Malcorpus, Vermont; Eileen Tordja, from Slope, Missouri; and Ezra Acklemeyer, of Oral, Pennsylvania.
[Applause]
[KB] Welcome, panel. Now, for those at home, here's Bob to tell you how we play DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Bob?
[Bob] Thank you, Kevin. Contestants for DOF are given faits accompli by the Clinton administration and asked to provide linkage as to why they should give a damn. The winner goes on to the 'Rubber Meets the Road' round where real consequences take place.
[KB] Thank you, Bob. Now let's get started, shall we? Contestant #1, are you ready to play DEGREES OF FREEDOM?
[CP] Yes, I am, Kevin.
[Applause]
[KB] Alright, Cynthia. The administration gutted the Defense Department's review capacity and sold supercomputers to Communist China. How many degrees before it affects you?
[CP] It didn't do me no good. I ain't living in Silicon Valley. What the hell do I care?
[KB] Wrong, Cynthia. Over to you, Garth. Guided missiles, such as the as-yet-indefensible Mach-3 Russian Yakhont antiship missile are about to be delivered to the PRC. And those supercomputers will allow the Chinese to reverse-engineer and mass produce these ramjet, land-air-or-sea launchable missiles. This will upset the balance of power around Taiwan and Asia in general. Not to mention the loss of American naval supremacy in the Persian Gulf if Iran or Iraq gets this product. How about it Garth? How many degrees to you?
[GW] None of these miss-aisles can reach Vermaaht, Kaavin. Besaades, withaat global positioning technaalogy, even China's baallistic miss-aisles can't hit Malcorpus. Maybe LA. But I don't live in Laas Aangeles. What the haall do I care?
[KB] The best answer so far, Garth. Now, Eileen, the Clinton administration has allowed the export to China of Global Positioning System technology for missile guidance, satellites and satellite technology. How many degrees to you?
[ET] None, Kevin. Like, just so long as these weapons are, you know, kept out of the hands of those loonies in Iraq and Iran. I'm all, "Hellooo??? Are you talking to me?" I mean, a country that helped get Bill Clinton elected, is like righteous, like, you know? [KB] Not bad, Eileen. It's up to you, Ezra. Are are you ready?
[EZ] Yes, I am, Kevin.
[KB] Alright, Ezra! According to publisher Alyn Denham, DNC fund-raiser John Huang worked with Entergy Corporation of North Carolina to buy sophisticated computers, software electronics and telecommunication technology to be used in China's missile guidance systems. Huang funneled $3.4 million in tainted Asian contributions to the DNC during the 1996 election, and Clinton hired the head of Entergy Corporation, Erskine Bowles, to be White House Chief of Staff. How many DEGREES OF FREEDOM before this affects you, Ezra?
[EA] Two degrees, Kevin. I happen to know something about this. Intelligence aides warned the President in '95, and '96, that highly sensitive equipment was being shipped to the PRC from Entergy. Clinton reportedly told the aides that the Pentagon assured him that only obsolete equipment and software were being shipped.
[KB] That's right, Ezra. Although the aides could not find anyone in the Pentagon to verify Clinton's account of the conversation, your answer puts you in the lead going into Round Two. [Applause]
[KB] Alright, panel, Round Two. I would like an answer from each of you on this one, please.
Johnny Chung has alleged that a member of Hillary Clinton's staff solicited him for money and he responded the next day by delivering a $50,000 Democratic donation to the first lady's chief of staff. A few days later, Chung was allowed to bring Chinese businessmen into the White House to watch the president's radio address. How many degrees? Cynthia, let's start with you.
[CP] How can you watch a radio show?
[GW] Two. Aaverybady does it.
[ET] Can we, like, talk about Monica, now?
[EA] Three. Hillary wasn't elected.
[KB] Alright, panel. Well done. We'll total up your scores and see who goes to 'Rubber Meets the Road' after this word from our sponsors.
[Applause]
[Entergy Corp: "Chungy Bowles O' Soup" 30 secs] [COSCO: "The Wong March" 30 secs] [DNC: "Don't Worry, be Happy." 30 secs]
[KB] Welcome back. Our winner today, with five Degrees, is Ezra Acklemeyer.
[Applause]
[ KB] Well done, Ezra. For being our winner, you get the amount of money paid in portage fees to the Chinese government for cargo carried overland between the two Panama Canal anchor points today, due to the Chinese-calculated loss of water in the oceans from El Nino.
[Audience, "Holy shit"]
[EA] Wow.
[KB] Alright, Ezra, the Rubber Meets the Road. Due to the wholesale export of American defense technology to our most likely next enemy, our ability to compensate for hordes of troops with high tech, is gone. Yet US troop strength is only a fraction of what is necessary to handle a major conflict.
As of the start of tonight's program, North Korea has allowed China the use of tunnels under the DMZ to send 1 million cadres in armored columns into Seoul, where they have seized the city. The two major US carrier groups are in the Gulf, trapped by scuttled ships at the entrance and exit, as shore-mounted Sunburns and Yakhonts take out the Aegis cruisers and carriers. Chemical warheads from Iraq have incapacitated our US fighter contingent in Saudi Arabia.
You have fifteen seconds, Ezra. How many DEGREES OF FREEDOM do you have before you are affected? [Ding Dong music]
[Ding Dong]
[KB] Alright, Ezra. You know the situation. How many Degrees before you are affected?
[GW] None, Kevin. This is just so much racist Oriental-bashing. China would never do anything to hurt their MFN status. Besides which, Bill Clinton has shown unparalleled shrewdness in getting what he wants from China, regardless of how much damage it does to the US. [Audience: "Holy shit"]
[KB] Sorry, Ezra, but you win.
[KB] And that's DEGREES OF FREEDOM for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we look at "The Man in Front of the Tienanmen Tank-- Booed by the Beneficiaries of Liberty"
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