Week ending April 30, 2001
Sunday 1800 EDT
60 Minutes CBS
‘’ Civil Courts in Crisis,’’a special one-hour presentation.
Correspondent Charlie Trie explores the collapse of justice from the near universal, perjured, ‘’anti-statements’’ plaguing noncriminal trials. Special report filed by Diane Sawyer on the sales surge in implanted voice stress analyzers as fallout from Clinton’s Right-to-Lie Referendum of 1999. Andy Rooney compares the screws in his walker.
‘’Is Campaign Finance Necessary?’’ Co-Host Dee Dee Myers questions the need to restrict campaign finance given the revenue from sale of South Korea to Beijing’s clients in Pyonyang. IRS head David Brock interviewed on necessity for shutting down opposition press and internet providers until IRS can work through the backlog of audits triggered by reporting in the last election. Hugh Downs compares the screws in Barbra Walter’s head plate. Actually, we like this paragraph because of the way it came out shaped like a set of boobs.
Monday 1800 EDT
Satellite Broadcast Picks SkyTel Your Money
Rupert Murdoch examines the coupons on the bonds bought by the US Treasury from China to finance their purchase of the former Republic of Korea.
IndoBird Our Money
President Suharto defends his family’s conversion of Korea-sale money into ringoots and the subsequent redenomination into Chinese yuan by the Riadys.
MingSat 435 What Money?
Peoples Liberation Army Chairman Tsao Bing Wo hosts US President Al Gore in the newly opened Hall of Sino-DNC Yin-for-Yang.
Tuesday 2000 EDT
Cable: AllTalk Channel
The Sara Ferguson Show
Duchess Fergie’s scheduled guest is Monica Lewinsky Carville, discussing her role of bringing oral sex into contemporary social intercourse. Also scheduled, Susan Estrich Stephanopolous, the author of ‘’Is Fellatio Replacing the Toothbrush?’’
Equal Time PMSNBC
Mary Matalin takes back her maiden name and rejoins the show following a bitter divorce. Topics: My upcoming IRS audit; The New Sex Etiquette---Gumming or Non-Gumming?
The Sci-Fi Channel
‘’The Man Who Wasn’t There’’
A man is given White House clearance, an office, a safe in a restricted room, and 900 raw FBI files to pore over. No one hired him. No one gets the information. Craig Livingstone plays himself.
HDTV: Situation comedy
My Brother Eddie NBC
Eddie’s first day back in school is a grabbing, groping riot of laughs, until Eddie is caught with an aspirin in his pocket.
Flying the Friendly Skies ABC
Air Force One stewardess, played by Elizabeth Ward Gracen, saves the day. Hijacker threatens to kill pilot until Gracen warns no one else could pilot the plane. When hijacker puts gun to Gracen’s head, pilot tells him that, without her, hijacker would be only one left to give the President his blow jobs. Hijacker surrenders.
Joe Six-Pack (John Houseman), refuses to testify in his own defense after seeing videotape of himself laughing at funerals, turning his house into a motel, entertaining communist dictators, groping desparate job seekers, photo-opping the Eucharist, and turning his nose into a vacuum; leaves studio and quits series.
Thursday 2100 EDT
Cable Educational The History Channel
Professor Gauche Port details the obstacles provoking, precipitating, causing the recent unpleasantness:
Eisenhower’s wartime ‘’chauffeur,’’ John Kennedy, Gary Hart, the three-judge panel, Ken Starr, Paula, Gennifer, Kathleen, the Supreme Court, the House of Reps, the media, the Judiciary Committee, Byrd, Barr, the US Senate, Lott, local militias, disgruntled ignorant rightwingers, state National Guard units.
PBS Frontline ‘’Gotta Lotta Lotus’’
Broadcast live from Taipei, the emotional celebration of the reunification of China. Chinese rockets light up the sky, illuminating millions of joyful PRC amphibious and airborne cadre resolutely embracing their long-separated cousins. Riotous throngs of jubilant mainland soldiers are expected to sing and dance the night away in the happy streets of Taiwan. US President Al Gore will be on hand to usher in a new era of DNC solvency.