By Gary Cruse
[Tick, blrrrp, blrrrp] You have reached the White House Switch Board.
The First Lady is instructing Ms Roosevelt; The Cabinet is before the Grand Jury; Buddy is mourning his dangles; Socks is making a hair ball for Mr Carville; The President is auditioning interns for a position on his staff. If you wish to use the White House Phone Mail System, please remain on the line. Thank you, and have a nice day.
*Welcome to the White House Phone Mail System.
*If you are a Liberal, PRESS a few dollar signs. $$$ *If you are an erupting bimbo, PRESS 1. 1 *If you are a veteran, unhappy bimbo who has: been limo’ed by Vernon Jordan, been come-to-Jesus'ed by Landow, had your raw FBI file explained to you, no DNC blood relatives, THEN leave your home address, work address, daily routine, and PRESS infinity.
*If you are an unhappy, newbie bimbo, PRESS star-buck THEN leave an employment application.
*If you are an African-American, PRESS 2. 2 Hello. This is the Ron Brown’s Suspicious Death Hotline. Due to unexpected allocation of millions in federal tax dollars to a favorite NAACP cause, RBSDH has been discontinued. Please return to the main menu and select "Vince Foster" for explanations of missing X-rays, unexpected skull holes, and collateral suicides.
*If you are Chinese, PRESS 3. 3 Hello, and welcome to the White House, where every year is the Year of the Rat. *If you are Johnny Huang, PRESS 6 *If you are Johnny Chung, PRESS 6 *If you are Charlie Trie, PRESS 6 6 Three words: ===Barbara Alice Wise=== ...and don't call back. *If you are Jun Wang, or any other official of the People's Liberation Army, PRESS a bunch of yuan signs. ¥¥¥¥¥ Thank you. The Library of Congress, the Stealth database, composite material manufacturing equipment, the bolts from every US infantryman's rifle, and a walkthrough for "Frankenstein, Through the Eyes of the Monster" have been containerized and are waiting for you at Long Beach.
*If you are Russian, PRESS ç. ç Dobro pozhalovat! Kak dela? Ty menya ponimayesh? Kak eto skazat po russki? Is anyone else listening? OK. Look, I see all those big-haired blonde gals you got and whoooeeee!! Ty prekrasno vyglyadish. Ya know? Hell, I seen Dr. Zhivago, twice. 'Member that part where the Rod Steiger took Laura to the opera, and when they got back home, he jumped on her and pu.... Hilly's comin'--gotta go. Do svidaniya!
*If you are African, PRESS 4. 4 The president regrets American participation in slavery; U.S. support of nasty African dictators during the Cold War; U.S. "neglect and ignorance" of Africa; U.S. failure to intervene sooner in the Rwandan genocide of 1994; U.S. "complicity" in apartheid, and the fact that there will be no direct assistance to countries that did not help get out the Democratic vote in 1996.
*If you are a union leader, PRESS 5.
The fact that unions continue to be run by people with names like Provenzano, Nunzio, Sciarra, and Salvatore, intimidating members through murder, threats and economic reprisals, while obtaining payoffs and kickbacks in return for promises of labor peace, proves the strength of unity. The International Labor Organization's matron, Saint Hillary, Queen of Protection, accepts votive offerings and member dues money as compensation for her worker's life of lawyering and studenting. To submit her holy due, PRESS the dollar sign three times and say, "Alfonse sent me." *If you are an affirmative action lobbyist, PRESS 6.
*PRESS 1 for "yes," 2 for "no." *I want the best person for the job. *We must all be treated equally. *Self esteem needs social promotion. *Our schools are not doing the job. *God is a black crack ho. *If you are Conservative, PRESS the square root of 325, followed by the pound-sand sign.